Trite But True

This isn’t where I thought I’d be

But then, I didn’t think….

Where would I have imagined myself?

Content? Or staring into the brink?

Or rollicking or partying?

Or serenely penning books?

Or happily bound in true love’s knots

Or working a kibbutz?

And what path would I choose for me

If I only had that power?

I don’t know, and that’s the crux of this;

This is not my darkest hour.

It’s not my lightest, not my brightest,

But not my worst by far.

It’s fine, and sometimes joyous,

But my soul aches for more.

For years, my job provided me

With the sustenance I sought.

The raison d’être, self-esteem,

No room for doubt or thought.

And there were parties every week,

Dancing, drinks, and drugs

A whirling carousel of life

Air kisses, sweaty hugs.

But life moves on, what served me then

Overserved me over time.

And now I seek something… else.

Something altruistic?  Some sign?

And yes, I am a mother.

(And that’s easy. I am blessed.)

She lights up my life in every way,

I don’t feel… “depressed”.

But something… there’s a longing

For what, I wish I knew.

Is it my mid-life crisis?

I guess my simple rhyme is through! 😊

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I’m doing the best I can.

Happy Birthday, Grace

Trevor was the first person I spoke to about Grace this morning. He called me to celebrate her birthday and tell me he was thinking about me.

Laura was here and asked me if she might read a Jewish prayer. I was touched, and grateful.

Below is the prayer:

“May God remember my daughter, Grace, who has gone to eternal rest.

Her life was but the briefest flicker of a flame, extinguished before it had time to shed its light on the world but not before sharing its warmth with me.

Through the months of her gestation, I prepared to nurture and to love her. For the time that she lived, I gave to her everything a parent could have given and received everything I could have expected.

May the memory of the joy she brought to me in the short time that we were together strengthen me, and may God count that joy as the weight of a life filled with such blessing, binding through that love and joy Nina and Trevor in the bonds of eternal life.

For the gift of her life without transgression, I pledge to do acts of righteousness and tzedakah [charity] that she may merit eternal life and that I may find comfort in this world.”

With this in mind, I’m going to rename my charitable foundation “The Grace Projects”.

Today had been tough. But I’m still here. I’m not running away. I’m being mindful.

Flawmingos of Attraction

I had heard that sometimes, at sunset, flamingos fly over the burnt-yellow huts at the inaptly-named Red Slave huts on Bonaire. I really, really wanted to try and see that. Trevor and Paul didn’t think we’d stand a chance, but I insisted. It would be a beautiful place to watch the sun go down and we DEFINITELY weren’t going to see them, if we weren’t there. We packed a picnic, corralled Evie into the truck and took off.

It happened after we had finished our tailgate picnic. The sun had set and I was holding Evie (not a camera). As we turned to go, three bright red-pink flamingos flew directly overhead. They were flying from land, not from the ocean (as I had expected them to) and they headed straight out to sea. Who knows where they were heading, but I do know it made my day. I was so happy, I was literally jumping for joy, which got Evie all excited and we bounced our way home clapping our hands.

I like to think I willed it to happen 🙂

It is all in the attitude (altitude?)

I missed my flight but I called from the gridlocked car and managed to rebook something only 2 hours later (to LA, with a 5-hr layover, but at least I will make it home tonight!)

This flight is delayed too, lol, but I have bought Boots #7 serum (3 for 2) in, another prezzie for Evie, and some Marmite. And now I’m in the lounge, dipping cheese & Branson sandwiches in my potato/truffle soup. My vegetarian meal request won’t carry over to this plane, so I’m stuffing saffron/cheese pasta in the lounge. And unlimited sparking water with bitters 🙂

And my dad got me here without crashing, which is more than most of the other cars did. I wish he and Mum were here to share the Christmas cake I’m current noshing into!

I am decided to look on the bright side. I’m so grateful for my family. Even 24 hours with them. Thank you!

Drunk with jet-lag

Sleepless and pumped with sleeping tablets that do not appear to be working, I ruminate “being sober sucks”.

I’m not tempted to drink, but I am keenly aware that half a bottle of wine from the mini bar would have kicked the first sleeping tablet in and I would be sleeping like a baby right now.  I would probably have had a couple of free drinks in the airport lounge before flying, the free opening cocktail on the plane, the wine-with-dinner and a sleeping tablet too.  And boom, I could have had 4-6 hours sleep on the plane right there.

(I searched “sober” emote, but of course there isn’t one!  There are plenty for “booze” though 😉 .)

One of the reasons I used to drink was to sleep.  But it wasn’t the main one.  I was trying to “turn my brain off”.  I was desperate for it, in need of it, burning out.  I felt unsupported on all fronts: Evie, work, home maintenance, relationship, friends-planning, food-planning, family-visiting, holiday-planning, work trips.  I just needed to  relax as soon as I walked through the door, to grab an hour with Evie before she went to bed.  Alcohol was the quickest way.  (Who really has time to schedule a massage, let alone a massage a week? I have been trying to round up my friends to go to some hot baths for months, and we haven’t made it yet.)

I’m don’t think I am the only one of my friends suffocating. But I am the only one not drinking, because I need to not drink.  I drank past the point of unwinding.  I drank to forget.  To turn off.  Ungood.

And now, I’m not tempted to drink. At least not so far, at only 44 days in. So far, it has been surprisingly easy (but I have found the 90-day hurdle a bit daunting before).

But I am concerned about how to “turn off NOW”.  I do try and meditate regularly.  (I said try 😉 .)  I’m not interested in taking up a complicated new hobby or sport.  I want to turn off.  What does THAT for your brain?  I’m considering yoga after Eva goes to bed.  Or being hit head with a sledge hammer?

Anyone got any other suggestions?

And 5 things I’m grateful for:

1. The mini bar contained nuts.

2. It is only 5 am, there is time to grab a couple of hours sleep before my alarm goes off (if these sleeping pills ever kick in).

3. The room has a teddy bear, who is in bed with me.

4. This work trip could actually solve a lot of things and enable us to move forward.

5. I get to see my family for a few hours when I change planes in England on the way home.

(Non-alcoholic 0′ San Miguel beer Akkuruat. The server and I laughed about how all N/A beers “taste like shit”.)