This is the first photo we have of Grace. She was our third pregnancy. And she was our last.

I have experienced more despair than I thought possible (or reasonable) for such a “small thing as the loss of a child”, I have learnt some humility and more humanity – and I believe I have had some kind of epiphany about the beauty of life and the strength and value of friendships.  This is the story of the loss of our baby.  Her name was Grace Somers.

In the beginning, there was: 

This didn’t start as a blog.  These early entries are cut-and-pasted from my Smugmug account – before my life fell apart.  Before I ever conceived I might need a blog.  And outlet for my madness. 

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18th July 2016.  Finally, I am pregnant again.  My first 2 pregnancies were natural ones, but i didn’t manage to hold on to either.
I at 40 now (birthday was in May). I got pregnant naturally twice last year.  Literally in the middle of a D&C the doctor, whilst he was vacuuming out my baby and I was crying, the doctor suggested I go straight to IVF as I was “getting on a bit”.  Although his bedside manner left a lot to be desired, we decided maybe he was right.  We did 4 rounds of IUI and 2 rounds of IVF before I finally became pregnant for the third time.  I lost that baby at 5 months.  I think with the stress and the unnaturalness of the Chlomid, all the hormones, the invasive IVF may have contributed to my body revolting and not getting pregnant.  As soon as I get my first period after this loss, I am going to try at least 3 months the natural way.

Anyway, this photo was posted in July. I don’t think we even knew the sex yet. She was just over 3 months along. Although this was our third pregnancy, this is the first time Trevor has actually seen any of ultrasounds. She finally looked like a baby.  In the first few – she just looked like a jelly bean doing flips in space!  We didn’t tell anyone yet.  I was past past the first trimester, so we were safe from miscarriages probably, but we wanted to do the CVS (genetic testing) before we told all of our friends.