“They” say “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
You know, I have never really believed that. Losing Grace didn’t kill me, but it almost destroyed me – and it certainly didn’t make me stronger. In fact it made me weak. Much weaker. Until maybe eventually… through weakness grew strength. For the first time in years, I think I might be evolving.
I want to be a better person. I want to be responsible for my own happiness. I want to be strong. I want to be self-reliant. I want to be generous. I have realized that “they” have some smart sayings. Cliches are cliches for a reason 🙂
“Be the change you want to see in the world”…. “Fake it til you make it”…. If you can’t be strong, act strong. If you don’t feel kind and generous, just act it…. Maybe it will become second-nature… habit-forming. Maybe I will become a better person?
Evie didn’t save me. But she is my blessing. She is the light of my life – my joy, my pain. I love her so fiercely. And finally with loving her, and she loving me, I am gaining strength, perspective, humility.
She doesn’t replace Grace. Grace will always be in my heart and soul – but seriously, look at this little girl!
My world was rocked again last week, when Donald Trump was elected president. This has been very difficult for me to process and I am trying to learn from it. It has been a humbling experience for me. I knew I lived in a bubble in San Francisco, and I knew that Facebook was an echo chamber, but I had not realized how big the divide was been the haves and the have-nots. I don’t believe people voted for Trump. I think people voted for change. And if there THAT many people without good education and the access to information that they can vote for a deranged egotistical misogynistic, homophobic racist – then there’s something truly broken in this world. And since I live in this world, in this America, I have a duty to try and help fix it.
I am realizing much too late that I did nothing to ensure better education and equality across the country. I just saw someone post “Hindsight is 2020” (very clever, btw) but I’m hoping we can do something before then. Apparently Trump DOES represent America. If that embarrasses and horrifies us, what can we do to change America? I’m a little upset with my FB feed erupting with pleas for California to secede. I am really hoping the answer is fight MORE for equal rights, not to (even-jokingly) wish to break away in our ivory tower.
I am still in mourning. And I know now, from past experience, that it takes time. I am a very impatient person, but sometimes you have to sit with a thing…
Personally, it has been an extremely challenging week. As well as still reeling from election results, I quit drinking a few weeks ago, I’m weaning Evie (which is causing its own emotional rollercoaster). I am dealing with some extremely unsettling issues in my private life (health and relationship-wise that I am not willing to share publicly.) And I am pre-menstrual, okay fuckface?!
But I’m still here.
I will never have to worry about my family having access to cleaning drinking water, or whether Evie can have a college education. Time for me to count my blessings. And dig in for the long haul. How can I fight for my beliefs? I need to practice self-care so I can roll up my sleeves for the fight. I need to be strong. This is a marathon not a sprint.
Maybe what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?