When a child dies

When a relationship is over.

Then what?

If you dig you finger into a wound, what did you expect to happen?

You might not expect to open a streaming pile of blood and pus

But maybe that’s what’s there.

Maybe it does need to be lanced. It probably does. But did it need to be now?

I just wanted some peace. A time to relax.

To lie on a beach.

To swim. To be me.

The real me. The calm peaceful me.

Did it have to be now?

Probably. No time like the present, right?

No time like the present to deal with the past.

But it fucking hurt. It hurts. Don’t look.

Push it back under the rug.

Turn your face away.

No, more gently this time.

Like a jagged daggered spear in your heart

You might leave it there for a bit, but eventually it has to come out.

It will fester, rot. You have to move on. You have to stop hating, hurting, denying, torturing yourself.

You have to move on.

As you pull it out, it eventually becomes the tiny tip of a thorn

As you pull it out, be gentle so it doesn’t bleed too much, but you must get it out.

Eventually, it’s just a small splinter in your paw

Your poor paw

Your prickly pear.

Who’s prickly now?

Who’s sorry now? (Too many songs!)

I read Evie a book last night.

The Nightmare in Your Closet. She loves that book. It helps her sleep.

What’s in your closet? you said.

Do you take your nightmare, shoot it or forgive it?

Cuddle up with it, or fight?

The nightmare in your closet. The too much stuff. The exploding T-shirt drawer.

It has to be dealt with.

Or it oozes,

Seeps.

6 years is a long time to build a life with someone.

14 years is a long time to be married.

One loss can rip open another, if you let it.

Mourn properly. Be strong.

So one died, you have another. It doesn’t have to cancel things out.

Be joyous. And I am.

What would Grace say to me if she was alive?

How long does grieving take

A year? 2 years? Six? Forever?

You don’t have to let go, to forget.

But there’s a way to remember, to honour, with intention and not constant heartbreak.

You have to move on.

Time marches on.

The tide stops for no man.

My friends stop, though.

You stopped.

Thanks for checking in on me, friends.

Thank you for the time, and the support.

I’m sorry I pushed people away when Grace died.

I was an idiot. I was wrong.

It take a village. I know that now.

I’ll take all the love and support I can get.

Thank you.

I love them all. Those babies. All the dead ones. The unnamed. The unburied.

I loved Grace, I love Evie. I adore her. What the hell did I do right in the world that she was granted to me.

Was she waiting for me to be ok?

Love is not pie.

There more of it you give, the more you take, the more there is.

Love