Clean house, clean head

I went to bed pretty early last night and Trevor was still awake. When I woke up this morning, the dishes were done. I think I have just realized that the house may not be as spotless for a few days if I slow down, but it will be just fine. Trevor will take care of it if I just let him.

Trevor would also take care of me, if I just let him and stop trying to micromanage everything. He microwaved my soup for lunch and refilled my sparkling water, without being asked like one of those perfect husband you always hear about..

I am trying to be a bit more zen… and not such a nut job! I really feel like I might end up a bit more spiritual through all of this. It is okay for me to be desperately sad. It is okay to cry. I feel like I am strong and I will get through this. I just wish I could speed it up – but some things just take their time. This must be one of them.

I have believed in the strength of women for a long time. I have started to think there really are “old souls”. I told Jen yesterday that I thought she might be one and she just nodded slowly in that way she has and said “I’ve been told that a few times”. LOL! I think some of the problems I have is that I am not a wise woman. Maybe my soul is brand spangly new and hasn’t been around the world a few times and learnt that to slow down just occasionally, and eventually, everything will be okay.

I DO KNOW how this sounds, btw. Until recently, I didn’t believe in souls or god or anything like that. But it my darkest times, I think I have started to believe in “something”. Maybe this is grasping at straws like Trevor says. Maybe your brain does it to protect you from pain, so you feel there is “something” looking after you. I don’t know. Clearly I don’t have the answers, I just do know it is all going to be okay.

I am going to have children somehow. I don’t know how yet. Maybe I will get pregnant naturally. You hear all the time that people do it after excessive trying, when they just relax. Maybe they will be mine and Trevor’s children, maybe I will adopt. (Maybe Molly is one of the wise woman, and her vision of me with twins is accurate. She says she is never wrong with her visions – again, I thought she was a nut job when she told me, but maybe there is a kind of magic in the world.) Maybe we don’t need to understand everything in the world for some of it to be true.

And maybe all of this is bullshit and I will be back to my uptight disbelieving self when this is all done. (Is it okay to believe in Stephen Hawking and black holes, AND to believe there is a kind of spirituality somewhere in the world?)

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