“The Gift” or “It’s all about me”

This is a pick-your-own-title adventure.

As a friend said to me today, this blog is just HILARIOUS <jk>.  Stick with me kids; it is full of pain and suffering and grief.  And occasionally intimate details about embarrassing bodily parts.  And even when there are tits, they are covered in cabbage.  SO NOT HOT! 😉 .

I’ve become too introspective over the years.  (I am writing a blog, for chrissake!) I am hoping this experience will change me for the better.  Some good comes out of everything in life.  Right now, I feel I am being more extrospective.  More open to finding out new things, listening to other people and not being such a know-it-all. I want to try and foster this.  And I think I will only really be able to relax when I stop being such a perfectionist.

This whole experience has made me more giving, more generous. I have just had more time to be more thoughtful, been able to buy “just because” gifts for friends, donated to charity, reached out to people that touched me in the past. I am sure the medical opinion is I am “trying to fill the void of grief” and that it will past – but I hope not. I like this part of me and I hope it will stay.

Hopefully I might get a bit less vain.  One day, I actually considered getting out of bed before friends arrived and blow-drying my wet hair, even putting on make-up because I was too vain to look so ugly and too proud to look so pitiful.  I don’t expect this to stick.  I wonder if it just a sliding scale between self-pride and vanity.  I can only hope to stay in the right zone.

For what she says is “want of a better world”, my friend Kelly calls this awakening “ a gift”  and I think I agree.  Right now I am in a long, dark tunnel and I can’t quite see the end properly.  But I have memories of what it is like out there, and I know the tunnel is going to end.  When I get there I will blink and appreciate the light. Yes, I believe it is a gift.  In a year’s time, I will know what a gift I have received.  Hopefully I will be a better person because of this.  Maybe only then will I be able to be glad it has happened 🙂 .

Who knows what I will do next?   The only time I am like to be glad to say these words in my life “YAY, I GOT MY PERIOD”.  That means body is recovering and  normalizing.  I have never been so pleased to have period pain 🙂 .   I am going to leave the IVF alone for at least 3 months, I think.  Of course, the insane 40-year-old in me can just hear TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK.  But the part that is learning to relax is winning right now – and trying to let what will be… be.

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