My friend Joe just sent me this. From the play “Rabbit Hole” by David Lindsay-Abaire:
BECCA: Mom? Does it go away?
BECCA: This feeling. Does it ever go away?
NAT: No. I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t. And that’s goin’ on eleven years. (beat) It changes though.
NAT: I don’t know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under. And carry around – like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in awhile, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda … Not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is …
NAT: Fine … actually.
that makes me feel better : -}
Oh my love! I wish you were not in this club! You are doing the right thing. It isn’t selfish. You are doing it for you. And so much also for that baby. If you want to talk, I can talk on the phone, too! Xoxox
Thank you Nina. I am a little beside myself at the moment. Hoping this one won’t take over a year to recover from as I’ve already been there and know the drill.
To have to make the decision yourself to tx, when in fact the diagnosis is not incompatible with life, is just beyond.. But I know my family and I are not emotionally suited to deal with a T21 child, even though some of them must be wonderful. It’s just so profoundly sad that now, unlike last time, fear will have to win over hope, as I’ve already done so much damage to my body and nerves in trying to achieve this, only for it to end up like this again. Plus I am 42 and will most likely never be pg again unless I choose the donor egg route. That is a very hard reality to accept. I do have an amazing 3.5 year old and a very loving husband, and that will have to be enough.
I’m very impressed at how you’ve handled your grief and came out on the other side of the tunnel that much better for it. The page about grief was so profound and helpful. And you really and truly have amazing friends. You must be amazing yourself. Thanks for reaching out.
P.S. I had no idea John Taylor wrote a book?? I used to love him:)
Makes me feel better too. I’ve had that movie in my cue but have been afraid to watch it.
I think I will now.
I just found out that my second pregnancy is affected by Downs and I will have to tx again. It’s all rather unbearable, and I had just about “gotten over” the first tx, which happened in August ’11, and those were twins. Each pregnancy took over a year to achieve, with approximately 3 rounds of IVF and multiple mc’s. Now then to have to terminate again…well I’m sure you can imagine. Thanks for your blog, it’s helping me. I was reading it all last night. I’ve been there already, and now have to go there again.
It’s December now and I hope you’re doing better.