The guy I met on the plane said his therapist told him he was a ‘protector’, and he says I am one, too.
Like so many people in my life, he coaches me to put myself first. Only a healthy person can continue to help others. Another analogy I have heard is “put your own gas mask on first”. All of these things are easier said than done. Giving is easy, its taking that’s hard. Is that like the saying: ‘dying is easy? It’s living that’s hard’. Who said that? Seems like a Western movie quote to me. (My dad would say “It isn’t ‘hard’, Nina, it’s ‘difficult’”. But sometimes it is ‘hard’, too. Like a diamond. Anything worth having is hard.)
I am trying hard to think of myself as worthy. At the same time, I want someone else to do all of that hard work for me.
Kim gave me a book called ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’. The back cover reads “Perhaps a touch of ‘laziness’ is just what the workaholic needs; perhaps some judicious ‘selfishness’ can save us from exhaustion and resentment’.
The lady I met on the plane that run runs the Guatemalan charity? She had also suffered multiple failed attempts to get pregnant, IUIs, IVFs. She made me feel lucky that I had even got to feel my baby kicking inside of me. I have never looked at it that way before – and she is right. She was there and I felt her. Maybe non-existent god put her in my way so I could learn this, and so I could invest in her charity (quicker than starting my own). It is kind of strange that I have been to the EXACT area of Guatemala and likely seen those girls.
I told her we are phoenixes, rising from the ashes of our failed pregnancies and heart aches. We will arise strong and brighter and more radiant.
But I sometimes wonder if I am just burning up. I am physically hot, running a temperature. I have no control over my internal thermometer. The children touch my face and pretend it burns their hands. “You are so hot, Auntie Nina.”
Someone recently told me I was like a comet, someone else told me I need a heat sink, a lightening conductor, a grounding wire. He said I was the space shuttle coming in to land and I needed coolant heating tiles. What if I burn up on entry? Should I just stay in orbit? What is it that I need?
Kim, Steve and I were playing ‘Cards Against Humanity’ last night and joking, arguing and verbal spar-playing what person needed to live. It came down to “Love it All You Need”. (Well, and maybe a sandwich now and then 😉 .) Steve says that isn’t true, and Kim says Love should be a verb. You have to “love” someone actively. We decided that it should have been “reciprocal, demonstrative love is all you need.” Whilst we managed to all agree on this, and think ourselves very smart, I doubt Ringo would agree 🙂 .