Sleepless and pumped with sleeping tablets that do not appear to be working, I ruminate “being sober sucks”.

I’m not tempted to drink, but I am keenly aware that half a bottle of wine from the mini bar would have kicked the first sleeping tablet in and I would be sleeping like a baby right now.  I would probably have had a couple of free drinks in the airport lounge before flying, the free opening cocktail on the plane, the wine-with-dinner and a sleeping tablet too.  And boom, I could have had 4-6 hours sleep on the plane right there.

(I searched “sober” emote, but of course there isn’t one!  There are plenty for “booze” though 😉 .)

One of the reasons I used to drink was to sleep.  But it wasn’t the main one.  I was trying to “turn my brain off”.  I was desperate for it, in need of it, burning out.  I felt unsupported on all fronts: Evie, work, home maintenance, relationship, friends-planning, food-planning, family-visiting, holiday-planning, work trips.  I just needed to  relax as soon as I walked through the door, to grab an hour with Evie before she went to bed.  Alcohol was the quickest way.  (Who really has time to schedule a massage, let alone a massage a week? I have been trying to round up my friends to go to some hot baths for months, and we haven’t made it yet.)

I’m don’t think I am the only one of my friends suffocating. But I am the only one not drinking, because I need to not drink.  I drank past the point of unwinding.  I drank to forget.  To turn off.  Ungood.

And now, I’m not tempted to drink. At least not so far, at only 44 days in. So far, it has been surprisingly easy (but I have found the 90-day hurdle a bit daunting before).

But I am concerned about how to “turn off NOW”.  I do try and meditate regularly.  (I said try 😉 .)  I’m not interested in taking up a complicated new hobby or sport.  I want to turn off.  What does THAT for your brain?  I’m considering yoga after Eva goes to bed.  Or being hit head with a sledge hammer?

Anyone got any other suggestions?

—

And 5 things I’m grateful for:

1. The mini bar contained nuts.

2. It is only 5 am, there is time to grab a couple of hours sleep before my alarm goes off (if these sleeping pills ever kick in).

3. The room has a teddy bear, who is in bed with me.

4. This work trip could actually solve a lot of things and enable us to move forward.

5. I get to see my family for a few hours when I change planes in England on the way home.

(Non-alcoholic 0′ San Miguel beer Akkuruat. The server and I laughed about how all N/A beers “taste like shit”.)