It is 10/11. The bleeding has almost stopped, and so has my milk. My boobs are still pretty hot but I don’t have an ice pack in my bra 27/7 now (just a couple of times a day). I have realized I am tired, though. I haven’t been sleeping very well.

At this point in time I will try anything to try and get some peace. I have even decided not to have caffeine for a few days. (I haven’t had a coffee in more than a week, but this morning I considered making one and decided to skip it and have a herbal tea instead – not exactly the same thing. I bought some decaf coffee – yes, it ships free on Amazon Prime.

I am so exhausted that it is all I can do to refill the soda siphon when my sparkling water runs out. (I am not drinking any alcohol and even showering seems an unbearable chore.)

It would make sense if this pain in my chest is not heartburn/indigestion caused by the antibiotic but it actually a broken heart. Although I know this will pass, I feel like I will never be happy again!

I have cried a couple of times through this, but I am afraid if I start crying, I might never stop.

Somewhere around here, I realized I am not bouncing back like I did the first couple of time. I don’t know if I suppressed all the grief, or was in denial for the first 2 – or if this is so much worse just because the baby was so much bigger and I had felt her move and kick for so long.

Tiffany came over with the most amazing selections of food. I love it. A lot of things I can just nibble on (because, for the first time in my whole life, I have no appetite.) You can’t see it, but behind this mound of food are mini decorative gourds. I love them and can’t believe it is that time of year again. (It was 90 degrees in SF last week, can it really be Halloween again?)

Brian sent hot sauce. I can’t wait to taste them. I want to have them all open at the same time so I can decide which is my favourite!

He also sent me his chile rellenos recipe. Maybe I will try making those next:

Chiles Rellenos (Stuffed Peppers)

“This is a great traditional Mexican dish. It takes a little bit of time, but it is worth every minute! Provecho! Serve with a side of Spanish Rice.”

INGREDIENTS:
4 fresh poblano chile peppers (and sweet peppers for Jill)
1/2 pound lean ground beef
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
3 eggs, separated
1 cup crumbled Cotija or Queso Fresco cheese
2 roma (plum) tomatoes, chopped
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup corn oil
toothpicks, corn tortillas

DIRECTIONS:
1. Wear protective gloves – Place whole peppers over an open flame (gas burner) or under the broiler. Roast, turning frequently until evenly black and blistered. Remove from heat, place in a sealed tupperware, and let them sweat/steam for a while. This will allow the skins to peel of easily.
2. While the peppers are sweating, place the ground beef in a skillet over medium-high heat. Cook, stirring to crumble, until evenly browned. When beef is fully cooked, add the onion, garlic and tomato, and cook for a few more minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
3. Wear protective gloves – Remove the peppers from the tupperware, and peel off the burnt skin. You may wish to wear protective gloves. Run peppers under cool running water to rinse away any burnt pieces. Make a small vertical slit in the side of the peppers, and remove the seeds and veins. Stuff each pepper halfway with the ground beef mixture, then fill the rest of the way with shredded cheese. Close the slits, and secure with toothpicks.
4. Whip egg whites in a large glass or metal bowl until thick and fluffy. Add the egg yolks, and whip for a minute to blend in.
5. Meanwhile, heat 1/4 inch of oil in a large heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Coat the stuffed peppers with a light dusting of flour, then dip them in the egg so they are fully covered. Carefully place in the hot oil, and fry on both sides until golden. Drain on paper towels, then serve on a large platter

The generosity just keeps on coming. I daren’t even post it to Facebook because I think I need to give my friends and Facebook a bit of a rest. Peggy sent me this and a note that made me cry. Don’t miss Peggy’s amazing jewelry. I have been wearing her stuff for more than 10 years now!

UPDATE: it didn’t occur to me until almost a week later that Peggy chose this to send me NOT because I had “liked” it on her facebook page (which I had), but because of the healing properties of turquoise. I have never believed in all of that either, but hell, it can’t hurt. The necklace is so beautiful. I had wanted it anyway, and so I might as well put it on immediately. With my PJs and my unwashed hair. Now part of me is completely beautiful. Shit, soon, it is going to make me want to take a shower, so at least I match the necklace!

FURTHER UPDATE, even a day after this I spot a necklace laying on a shelf. (It catches my eye because I am OCD tidy and all my necklaces are hanging upstairs on a rack.) I realize it is the tiny Om necklace that Peggy gave me for Christmas. I had take it off one of her to put on the new one she had given me, and even more ironic that I decided NOT to put it on as I was in my PJs and hadn’t showered!

10/8 This experience is going to turn me into a hippie. My doctor recommended a variety of herbal medicines, and a triple dose of follic acid. (I have been taking one pill a day for years, but you can take as much as three times that, so she said I should.) It is funny to finally be coming around to buying herbal medicines. One is a probiotic, to fix the antibiotic the doctor gave me. Some of my friends dropped off some so strong they need to be refrigerated. (I haven’t taken any pain meds since the first few days. I don’t think I need them, and also I am worried about the side effects. (Isn’t too much acetaminophen bad for your liver? Vicodin will stop me ever pooing again!)

I have to call my regular doc now (that I haven’t seen in years) as the gynecologist wants me to check in with her and see if she agrees with my assessment of the pain that feels like something the antibioitcs did.. I bet she is going to want me to come in (all the way to Redwood City). What a lot of work being sick is!!

Update to this, I called my regularly GP and she agrees that I probably have a reaction to the antibiotic and says that I don’t need to see her and to continue with the probiotic. She agrees that upping the follic acid is a good idea, so these are the only 2 things I continue to take. I love that doctor. I can HEAR the sympathy in her voice, which I tell her. I also tell her not to worry about me. She says she won’t and to call her again if I need anything. She said I haven’t seen her in years and years – since I was diagnosed with PKD and they did all the MRIs and scans. She says her hair is long again now (she cut it really, really short once).

10/09 My doctor suggested that I smoke pot to chill out and for the pain caused by the antibiotics. Due to the miracle of facebook, within an hour 2 friends had offered to come round and help me “chill out”. There were so many decisions to be made. A friend came over to give me lesson, but we got got high first and then I was too stoned for my “get high” lesson! Luckily, he had to go to a massage, so he could come back later and properly instruct me how I was supposed to get high. There are so many ways to get high. Who knew? I had forgotten that I used to be such a stoner back in college! I used to know a lot about it then, but we only got hash back in the days and when I moved to America, I stopped smoking. The weed over here is so strong it is insane. And I was the only one that wanted to smoke it. So I stopped smoking it and never really have. And NOW my doctor is instructing me to… and my friends are overwhelming with the details of love – trying to hone in on what type of pain are you healing, high do you want to feel, function or not functional, giggly, or not giggly!

I definitely feel like I have had an epiphany through this. I actually realized I was so sad I thought I might die. And then I felt a bit better. Maybe there really is a reason for everything. Molly swears that she saw me as the mother of twins. Maybe there is still time for that? I definitely realized today (which is more that 3 weeks afterwards), that I am having a bit of a breakdown. The pot I took was supposed to create a “cerebral effect” and I think It was the last thing I needed. What I really need is to relax. I need to take time out for a massage (I have literally used the words “I am too uptight for a massage”). The doctor (and Mags) keep recommending acupuncture – but I have yet to schedule that in. I really need to do that. I understand now what my friend meant when she says she wished she had taken some time off work to just relax and try to get pregnant. At the time, I thought she was mad, too hippie, and would never be enough of a slacker to do that.

It appears that I am going to turn into an old hippie (everything should be natural, man! 😉  .) The funny thing is, that I knew this before, I have learnt this once already. I had just got all uptight and forgotten it somehow. I wanted to make enough money to provide for the child, well… now I have. But I have put so much stress on my body doing it, that I couldn’t get pregnant. So I am actually thinking about taking a little time off work. That might be interesting.. I don’t NEED to be running around working all the time, I could take a break. But I probably won’t 🙂

Did you know that you can get soup delivered to your door? For free, it is free delivery. I ordered a bunch of hearty potato bacon soups for Trevor). The only thing is that with some sites, is you have to spend more than $25 so you have to have enough room to store them, and you have to have the energy to break down the boxes.) I don’t actually eat a lot of this stuff (well definitely not this one, since it has bacon in), but it is really good to have around the house if you just need a quick comforting meal

The only thing I can’t think you can get online are cash (I have been out of cash for a couple of weeks) and live things (like probiotics). I haven’t set it up again yet, but I need to start my delivery organic box again, if I am going to be spending a little time at home. I got trash bags from Amazon Prime today 🙂 .

The only bad thing with home delivery is that is create a little bit of work breaking down the boxes and there is a lot more recycling. I feel a bit bad about that, but most of the boxes and packing materials are recycled these days. I don’t really think Trevor likes this strategy as it is him that has to take the recycling out these days!

When returning from a business trip, I have been know to order coffee and milk from Amazon so I can have coffee the next day!!  Oh Amazon Prime, will you marry me?

Comedy of errors with these beautiful flowers. The maids let them in and I didn’t notice immediately. “Security” left me a voicemail saying they had dropped some flowers off. I assumed this was “security” at work (as last week I had sent them an email because they had thrown away some cupcakes Anka had left for me). Both Steve and Jamie tried to pick them up for me at work – but of course they weren’t there!! Peter also got me a Waiters on Wheels coupon, that I accidentally deleted – thinking it was just spam. He felt awful having to remind me about it. I am really overwhelmed by the generosity of friends (and I haven’t even MET Peter yet!)

I gave myself frostbite! Oops – it CLEARLY says on here not to apply them directly to your skin! So that is what those blisters were! You know, we called the doctors to actually ask what the blisters were. Could I be having a reaction to the cabbage leaves? No DIPSHIT! Don’t put those ice packs directly on your boobs, even if they still feel like you can fry an egg on them.

Incidentally, I had 2 of these strapped to my boobs and my boobs taped with the cabbage leaves when I flew to LA for the day.  Should we be at all concerned that I passed through the full body scanner at both SFO and LAX without any issues at all.   Should we even consider that Semtex is a gel?  Good one guys, protecting this great nation! (They still confiscated my Heinz baked beans from my carry on 😦 . )

When I saw the doctor this morning, she told me off for not taking the probiotics she had recommended. I wasn’t really paying attention last week and when she gave me the antibiotic she told me to get a probiotic to go with it. I didn’t know what a “probiotic” was, and I couldn’t be bothered to go out and buy “one more thing” to take, just assuming it was another pill. I also didn’t feel well enough to go and get the natural yoghurt Trevor suggested so I didn’t take that either. The antibiotic FLOORED me. This is where I go on my rant about antibiotics.

They are so bad for you. They totally and utterly fuck with your body. You don’t need them. A friend of mine is unwell right now because they handed them out to her for a UTI! I cannot believe they still hand them out for things like that. You can do this all yourself. You need lots of Cranberry juice, natural yoghurt will help too. Eat as much of it as possible. The antibiotics will make you sick. Antibiotics are a bad, bad thing and shouldn’t be in our bodies.

Trevor said the last time he took them it made him physically sick for a month, my mum said the same thing. The only reason I agreed to take them this time was the nurse said she thought I might be hemorrhaging and there was real risk of infection. The symptoms I am having now are much worse than anything they were trying to prevent.

Now, if you have started a “course” of antibiotics, (they are normally 3, 5 or 7 day) they say you should finish the course since you are already going to be feeling like shit from the antibiotic but you might as well make sure that you have killed the UTI. I suppose I agree with this, so go ahead and finish it. But get some probiotics into your system too (I only just found out you can take it as a pill, or the kombucha tea?) but as I say, I used to use natural yoghurt and cranberry juice. Now you need to replace all those good enzymes the antibiotic just destroyed.

And in the future, never ever say yes to antibiotics unless you are at death’s door, and certainly not for an UTI. They make you feel like shit. You can get rid of it yourself, with probiotics. I promise you. I have done it several times. I haven’t taken antibiotics in probably 10 years, and I probably never will again for the rest of my life.  I feel the same way about flu shots.  Don’t get me started on them!

Anyway, I think that is enough ranting for one morning. The doctor also recommended I get high. That should be interesting. I haven’t really smoked a lot of pot since England – when we occasionally used to have the Indian delivery guy to bring it over. An English friend just reminded me today of a time when we got the poor young guy so stoned he fell asleep in the corner and eventually they sent another driver out looking for him! LOL.  There was also a time when I was traveling around India as a student in India for a few month…. I had a bang lassi with a friend and went camel riding for the day. We were so stoned I thought I was in a Dali painting!  I need to reconnect with my stoner youth, apparently!