My nieces in England both knew I was pregnant.  We had some pretty hilarious videos back and forth about exactly how big my tummy was…. I said my boobs were bigger that my tummy and Amie was very concerned that the safety pin preventing my shirt gaping would pop my giant boobs!

When I told my family what had happened, I knew they wouldn’t tell the girls immediately.

Not knowing exactly what my beliefs were, my brother and sister-in-law wanted to explain it in a way the girls could understand. They gave it a lot of thought and in the end told the girls I had to go into hospital.  Kim told me that both of them have always asked lots of questions about dying and heaven because she talks about her dad and his death a lot.  This is her explanation:

“We’ve always explained it as there are two parts to us – our body and our soul. Their understanding is that when a person’s body stops working for whatever reason our soul leaves it behind because it doesn’t need it anymore and goes to heaven. We sat the girls down in the living room and told them we had something very sad to tell them. Amie looked at Steve and said (I quote) ‘It’s about Aunty Nina’s baby isn’t it?’ Steve said ‘Yes’. ‘She’s died hasn’t she?’. Then she started crying and asking what had happened. Steve and I were so choked at this point. We told them the doctors had discovered the baby’s body hadn’t been growing properly. We said the doctors had had to explain the really sad news that the little baby had died and that Aunty Nina and Uncle Trevor were very, very sad. We said her soul was now in heaven being looked after by Great Nanny Iris. At this point Charlotte said ‘Pushka’s in heaven too, isn’t she? She’ll be taking care of her too now.’  [Pushka was their cat].

 Amie in particular had lots of questions. She asked about how the baby was going to get out of your tummy and I told her the doctors needed to do an operation. She could understand this. She was ever so concerned about how you were feeling and both the girls spoke of how sad you must be. Amie in particular really ‘gets’ those feelings and she was really worried about you. I’m not sure if your mum mentioned it, but on the Saturday morning the girls each bought a helium balloon, took them to the park and gave them a kiss before letting them go ‘to heaven for our cousin’.”

 I don’t think Steve and Kim could have handled this is a more beautiful and respectful way, and I can’t believe the girls can appreciate this at their ages.

Today a package arrived for me from the girls.   Inside were 2 homemade bracelets and Kim’s explanation:

Amie made Trevor’s bracelet and said the stars are the angels in heaven looking after my baby girl

Charlotte chose the flower bead on my bracelet because flowers are pretty and so was my baby.

 I have bawled like a baby over both Kim’s email and the package and I am glad.  I feel so much closer to my family.  I miss them and I love them so dearly.

(Kim included the chocolate in case I didn’t like the bracelets – LOL.   I love BOTH!)

Thank you Kim and Steve, and Amie and Charlotte.  I love you.

Both the doctor and the acupuncturist have told me I am suffering with exhaustion.  I have been pregnant and have lost 3 babies in 18 months and I thought I would just be fine, but I have finally realized I AM exhausted.  So I am actually following instructions for once!  I am taking today off to read a book!  I didn’t go to a wedding I was supposed to attend yesterday – at least I bought a gift.  (I did still go and see Adam Ant because I already had the tickets and I adore him.  But I sat upstairs like a old person.  My first ever sitting down concert.  I won’t make a habit of it!)

I DIDN’T book tickets to a cheese festival with cheese races and CHEESE SWAG!  Things must be dire indeed!

I googled up a few natural cures for exhaustion and fatigue.  Looks like there are some more yummy juices in here 🙂 .

http://www.speedyremedies.com/home-remedies-for-fatigue.html

http://www.all-about-juicing.com/fatigue.html

Trevor says “San Francisco would choose NOW to have its Indian Summer, when neither of us can leave the house and it is too fucking hot to sleep”.  LOL.  That’s my boy 🙂 x

My doctor called to check on me. She wanted to remind me to take it easy.  She continues to recommend I take time off work, but I think I can actually manage to work from home most of the time.   She said she really likes me (ahh, bless her).  She said call in a week if my boobs were still really hot.  She also asked if they were they still hard?  I told her no, so we know the milk is gone.  She said it’s okay and probably just taking a while for my body to right itself.  Could be another 6 weeks she said.  Ugh, I hope not.

She also suggested I might add some Omega 3 into my diet.  I took a fish oil gelcap whilst I was pregnant as I know it is good for babies’ brains, but she said Chia Seeds are better because they are a whole food.  There is no real evidence that supplements work (although there is also no proof that they don’t.) Thinking about this made me wonder if there was a natural way to get folic acid into my diet, so I googled it.  Turns out that it is leafy greens (most of which I love anyway).   I guess even when I am better maybe I will keep making the juices.  Trevor made me his miracle “green hell” yesterday.  It is FULL of spinach and parsley – so coincidentally checks this box 🙂 . I have even found a safe way to freeze them (thanks to Dana) to the nutrients and enzymes are not degraded.

I think I will keep blogging for a bit, until I feel better and get bored of myself again 🙂 .  And by then I will be back at work with less time on my hands and no need to blog anymore.  The world will right itself. (The world will write itself? LOL!)

I saw “Jiro dreams of sushi” the other night and I think it really kicked it this spiritual awakening (or whatever it is I am having).  Be good to yourself, do work you love, respect your friends, your customers, the food you cook, and eat. If you eat meat and/or fish, respect the animal that gave up its life so you could eat it.  Don’t eat shit.  Don’t eat processed foods.  Yep, I’m finally getting it,  If life looks after you like this, there has to be something else…

I also think there is some truth about being men in the midst of Tibet that meditate all day and night and don’t relly need food – they are communing with the universe, communing with the Buddha and so completely taken care of that they are now seen as a prophet.  (They are also seen as completely mad, but revered for their not need to eat and their ability to predict the future).  I think that might be the first step to what I am experiencing through grief.  I am opening up, aware of a second plane of existence (I can’t believe I even just wrote that!)  Maybe Molly is second step – she recognized she sees the future.  Maybe it is all bullshit and your rational mind lets you know how far to go, and how mad you are willing to seem to our friends!! And the only reason we don’t get real prophets still in our first world (like you still do in India, etc) is that we have ceased to believe.  (LOL and wow – it is like Peter Pan… if stop believing in the farriers, they cease to exist.)

Actually, I think know a few examples of this: Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” , the movie Chronicle (which was a great Indy movie, I liked it.  Sort of reminded me of the English movie Take back the block, Take Shelter, Another Earth etc.)  People are pretty public about the inside joke, if you know where to look”  In the Escapist.  Frank says “imagination is all that protects us.  It keeps us alive.”  It was a very strange both sad and uplifting movie.  There are a couple of good quotes in that movie (like the Puck quotes in Midsummer night’s dream.  I can’t remember which one the movie closes with exactly – maybe it was the one about “ We are such stuff as dreams are made of and our little lives are rounded with a sleep”.   I’m not sure if I got that word-for-word correct, but I know most of the plays from my old days at Oxford.  Maybe Shakespeare believed in reincarnation, too?)

Maybe I will stop believing again when my body has healed and I don’t feel the immediacy of grief.  I kind of hope not, though.  Hopefully I will just dial in back a bit.

Awwww, Walter bought me these flowers. They smell SO LOVELY! Apparently he had a long conversation with the florist while they told him which ones he could/couldn’t eat! 🙂

The acupuncturist (and the doctor, actually) said I am suffering from exhaustion and I must get some rest.  My hands tremble sometimes and I stumble when I walk.  He gave me homework: “read a book”, or “listen to some music”.  He wants me to work on the computer less (I basically have been sitting at it all day), and to try and zone out a bit.  He recommended taking Gaba, which is a natural mood relaxant.

My doctor has been recommending I get acupuncture, but I haven’t felt well enough to walk anywhere.  Today Trevor drove me to an appointment.  The acupuncturist and I talked for a long time, and when he said he was going to leave me alone, I managed to say “I’m not great at being alone right now”, before I started crying.  He asked me why crying was bad, and I could only tell him “I am afraid if I start crying, I might not be able to stop”.

When I managed to calm myself, I said “let’s give that one more try”.  It is actually really cool.  He gives you a buzzer in case you need him. (I scared the shit out of one of the acupuncturists at Zynga when I got impatient, pulled the needles out myself and put them in her sharps container and left without seeing her on the way out.) Apparently acupuncture can really help with IVF and fertility.  Our medical doctor recommended it so I had been going regularly until Zynga cancelled it.  Just add that the many thing I USED to do to take care of myself.

On the way out, I bumped into Elana, who is fostering an 8-week old pup called Maxie.  I told Trevor that the acupuncturist thought I should have a puppy for a few weeks so I could nurture something and that we were taking her home! He definitely thought that was a bit odd  but I think he would have rolled with it – LOL  🙂 .

The acupuncturist also said I might consider eating meat (which I said I didn’t want to do).  They he said AT LEAST get some fish bones and grind them up and put them in a stew (ewwww!  Nasty!)  I suggested sardines and he said that would be good, too.  PHEW!   (Sardines are a great source of calcium – which he was going with the fish bones, I assume.)

Also Alton Brown lost weight eating Sardine and Avocado sandwiches, supposedly.  YUM YUM!  Trevor is making one for my lunch.  I suspect given that I am slumped on the sofa and my sammie is covered in mayo and other DELICIOUS stuff, I will not be losing any weight.  Oh well, fuck it.  Deal with that another time.  Hopefully I will be nice and fat with a baby again this year.

I did decide to host the conference after all. There were people flying in for it and I didn’t want to let them down. (A colleague had done all the work putting the agenda together and another had helped with all of the hotel arrangements.)  I went to the opening dinner last night and just did the introductions and welcoming speech and then I went home. I was there less than an hour. Today I am likely to be here all day. My boobs are on fire and I know I should really be resting, but I think ultimately I will be happy that I did that. I think it is incredibly valuable for the company.

Just joking, but I can also feel myself getting smarter just drinking the “Brain Toniq” . It is supposed to be all natural. it says “no caffeine, no processed sugar, no fake anything. Just pure herbs, etc.” it has Choline in it (whatever that is – one of the conference attendees is very excited about it!)

I can’t believe it, though, I actually just cancelled my reservation for an all-expensed dinner at Gary Danko tonight. It went against every grain of my being – LOL – but I am tired!

Trevor bought me these tulips and I think they look lovely with the mini pumpkin gourds that Tiffany gave me.

I still see beauty everywhere in the world so I don’t think I am depressed. Trevor says I am probably hormonally depressed. The baby was a lot further along this time, there are probably more hormones, there was certainly a more emotional connection with the baby because I felt her kick etc. Trevor says it is postpartum depression. (I agree, and  said “and without the baby. Awesome!”)

Something about this experience is making me a bit manic. Too talkative and constant blogging. I know it isn’t drugs or caffeine – since I am not doing either!

10/15. At 2.45 my stomach was gurgling., All it had in it was the magic “green hell” juice Trevor made me this morning to help me “go” and a lot of stomach acid. Trevor offered to make me a sandwich. It wasn’t just any old sandwich. It was delicious: arugula, mustard, veggie sausage (from Elana and Jessica), avocado, Fromage d’Affinois (kind of a goat Camembert), onion, and tomato. So good! And (mostly) good for you (if you ignore the fattening angle, the dairy and the fake meat, LOL!)

Trevor’s shopping trip was full of good things for me – and bad things for him: frozen pizza, cheap breaded chicken, and ice cream. Maybe I need to get him on this health food kick too. If I took a little time off work, I could do more cooking.

ps – downstairs neighbours are at it AGAIN!! It is 3.20 in the afternoon!! The other day they were doing it at 7am! (Yes, I am not sleeping very well, but seriously – LUCKY FUCKING THEM!! Pardon the pun!) Trevor and I are arguing about what stage they are at, based on the noises,. It sounds like he is murdering an animal. I think they are near the end but Trevor doesn’t think so. He says he has “listened to them fucking more than you have had hot meals”!

Dana suggested that maybe the downstairs neighbor can help me get pregnant. “He seems well-qualified and very much interested in porking. Lots of porking. Lots of LOUD porking.” Can it be vegetarian porking? I really like pigs and never one to eat one (or fuck one!)

10/15. Trevor went shopping yesterday and filled the house with great things. I have no appetite, so there is natural yoghurt and berries for me to nibble on. He picked up Peligrino, so I don’t have to refill the soda stream. Everything is perfect. (There is even a bag of fresh lemons from Chris’s tree in her back garden. These will be perfect for my green juices!)

I have finally realized that this is going to take longer that I had thought. Everyone told me to expect to be off work for 6 weeks, but I just thought I would bounce back. I know now that I am not bionic. Whist I know I will come out the other side, right now all I can see is the dark. I am still bleeding a little and I still wake up crying. All I want, really, is to be asleep/unconcious. I am hosting a conference for the narrative designers tomorrow. I think I will go in and just welcome people tonight, make an opening speech and not stay for the dinner. Tomorrow, I may go in and try and host, or I may have to pass it off to someone. I will just have to see how I feel.

I asked Trevor to take a week off work and look after me. I need someone to be around. I feel like I can’t be alone. I also feel so helpless and ridiculous being like this. I haven’t got the energy to do laundry, or do the dishes, or anything really. Trevor talked to his boss (who was really understanding) and he did. He will be at home for at least a week. If I don’t feel better by then, I think Bee and Steve will take turns with me. I am embarrassed to feel this way.